YOLO! Jk, BRB - Jesus
Guys I feel like the biggest, hugest, most idiotic idiot in the world. These thoughts constantly creep up on me, but I always bury them with positive ones like - "You were doing the best you could" blah blah blah. But some super heavy stuff hit me last night and I've just let myself be negative for a sec because I gotta purge it, right? Maybe if I just let myself have the thoughts they'll stop creeping up on me? I don't even know. But hopefully writing some of this down will help me get it out of my brain, which basically won't stop flashing a giant neon sign spelling out "IDIOT". Maybe this can help someone, or maybe it'll just make me look more human and less like the robot I claim to be.
I didn't realize until yesterday that the halfway point between my house and my ex-husband is the town we were married in - where we started. And yesterday when I drove there, I started drowning in guilt and regrets and memories of all those stupid choices I made that led me to where I am now. I fully realize that I, nobody else, chose my path. The kicker - I knew it wasn't a path I should have even gone down in the first place, but for multiple reasons did anyways. Not only was I not pressured to make my choices, but the opposite was true. I had multiple people reach out to me and ask "Are you sure you want to do this?" and I was too proud and stubborn to listen to them for a minute. Instead, I thought I'd prove them wrong. Oh boy. Idiot, Trista.
A great thing about life though is that no matter where you are, or what you've done... the option to choose something different for yourself is still there. You don't have to settle into your choices and throw in the towel, thinking "well this is my life now." Even though I felt like I've been stuck, I've finally found the balls to do something about it and unstick myself. I'm proud of myself for that. But oh, how I wish I would have just made better choices years ago. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel up to channeling my inner wonder woman again, but tonight I'm just feeling like an idiot. *insert something funny to break the awkwardness* 😂😂 Actually here's a funny quote for you: "YOLO! Jk. BRB" -Jesus
I really hope you laughed. 😅
Originally Written November 1, 2019