Beautifully Broken

When my mom died, naturally I felt a lot of feels. I was fortunate enough to be able to be with her in the weeks leading up to her death. Some days were good and even felt "normal" while other days were terribly rough. When she actually died, I felt so much sadness of course, but amidst the sadness was relief. That probably sounds horrible to you, but if you would have been there, you'd probably understand. I made the hour long one-way trip to be with her pretty much every day with a 4 week old newborn. That was a weird time. Experiencing bringing a life into the world for the first time and then 6 weeks later watching the life of my mother come to its end. Trippy, dude.

I still remember how I felt the day she died. The weird combination of sadness and relief. Relief because 1 - she was no longer suffering and 2 - I could finally try to pick up my pieces and make a new normal. Turns out I'd have a very similar reaction the day my almost ex-husband packed up his things and walked out the door. The divorce was my decision. I knew that the day would come when he'd leave. But just like I knew my mom was dying and would soon take her last breath... Just because you know something difficult is coming doesn't make it any less difficult! It's still a hard thing. But also as he left, I felt relief. Because again I could gather my pieces and build myself a new normal.

I watched a movie recently with the quote "the broken are the more evolved" and got smacked with some feels. But it's true. Every time you go through something that feels like it "breaks" you, you get the opportunity to build something new... Something even better, maybe. Even if the situation can't be better, I bet you as a person will be improved because you got a little more experience and insight from whatever you went through.

I bought myself a necklace a few months ago called "beautifully broken" before I saw the film with that "broken" quote. Maybe that's why the quote struck me like it did - because I had already considered myself broken but instead of believing it was a bad thing I decided it was actually beautiful.

Originally Written September 15, 2019

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